


it’s our house and we live here

by kerrykins



Series: author's favs [2]
Category: Big Little Lies (TV)
Genre: Domesticity, Established Relationship, F/F, fiction&femslashevent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 22:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20015812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kerrykins/pseuds/kerrykins
Summary: Madeline and Renata share homes, beds, and everything else in between.





	it’s our house and we live here

**Author's Note:**

> a very big thank you to hold_onto_your_hearts for beta reading (ilysm ur an actual godsend) and to everyone else in the twitter groupchat— were it not for yall’s shenanigans i probably wouldn’t even like renata/madeline! and as always, thank u elle for being an overwhelmingly supportive and sweet friend <3

Madeline awoke to stripes of light falling across her face through the blinds. Renata was already sitting against the headboard, her back turned to Madeline. From the dark blue robe wrapped around her, which wasn’t there when they went to bed last night, it seemed like she had been up for quite some time. 

Though, ‘going to bed’ wasn’t exactly what they’d done. They nearly fucked each other through the mattress and Madeline had the marks to prove it. Sex was sometimes sweet and slow, but neither of them had been in the mood for that last night. How could they, when one of their friends was going to jail for killing a man that had it coming?

The pain was cathartic, quelling tsunamis that threatened to tear them apart. Dr. Weisman might tell them in that quiet way of hers that it’s unhealthy, using sex as an outlet for anger, but what Madeline’s therapist didn’t know couldn’t hurt.

Renata didn’t seem to notice Madeline was awake, clearly still lost in thought. Madeline wondered what she was thinking about. Despite the now only occasional furious outburst, Renata was difficult to read most of the time, guarded even. Even after all this time, she was still so afraid of opening herself up, though Madeline could understand and empathise with that. It was a learning experience for the both of them.

Madeline inched towards her, rustling the bed’s expensive linen sheets in the process. Enormous covers tangled around them in a mess of folds and wrinkles like origami, hiding their aching legs and all evidence of what they had done the night before.

Renata finally brought an arm around Madeline once the smaller woman had propped herself up, the silk of her sleeves cool on Madeline’s bare skin. “I’ve been angry for so long that I’ve forgotten this was possible.” She still didn’t look away from the window, but rubbed Madeline’s back in slow, reassuring circles.

“You mean good sex?” Madeline said that last part with a yawn. She was so fucking tired. It certainly didn’t help matters that her back twinged painfully every time she tried to move. “Because I’m guessing that Gordon wasn’t exactly a powerhouse.”

“No, no.” Renata tilted her head at her, looking solemn for a moment. Then she rolled her eyes. “I mean he wasn’t, but I’m talking about not constantly feeling like shit. Actually looking forward to the next day.”

“Oh.” Madeline thought back to all the recent mornings where it was easier to get out of bed in the morning, where she didn’t yell at the teenage boy policing the drop-off. Those were just little things, easy to overlook— like how the days seemed a degree warmer and a shade bluer. “Babe, I totally get that. It’s weird, but a good kind of weird.”

Renata nodded, resting her chin on Madeline’s head and stroking her hair absentmindedly. “Definitely. Then she went rigid, pulling her hand away. “Wait, fuck. What time is it?”

Madeline, who had just been getting comfortable, twitched back to life unwillingly. “9:30, but it’s Saturday. Remember? Chloe and Amabella are at a sleepover with Skye and don’t need to be picked up for another three hours.” She tried to pull Renata back to their original positions and was pretty pissed to find that her attempts to replicate it were futile.

“I’m expecting a phone call,” Renata explained, squinting at the clock resting on the bedside table. She was as good as blind without her contacts or glasses. 

“Penny has to tell me about this month’s budget and I need to get in touch with Arnold. That bastard has been in Malibu all month and isn’t answering his fucking calls. We’re killing ourselves trying to contact him, not that he cares.” Her voice took on a sharp edge that usually meant she was on the precipice of throwing a pretty epic tantrum.

Madeline pressed a kiss to Renata’s jaw, which shut her up relatively quickly. “He sounds like a real  _ dick.  _ Want me to beat him up for you?” Renata had the poor habit of exploding at the most inconvenient times, something Madeline was determined to stop.

Renata relaxed, restored to her dry albeit amused self. “Mm, please.” She tilted her head back, eager for more attention. Renata was a very big fan of being pampered.

“Not until you kiss me.” Madeline gave Renata a smug smile, which earned her a pillow thrown at her face. “Ouch,” she remarked, even though it didn’t hurt at all.

“You’re so annoying. You know that, right?” But Renata sounded like she was about to laugh. Madeline relished making Renata laugh almost as much she did in making her cry out in the bedroom. It was surprising, Madeline’s reliance on Renata’s happiness as if it were her own. It had never been like that with Ed or Nathan— though to be fair, her ex-husbands weren’t anything like Renata. Madeline was skeptical of the existence of soulmates (Renata was as well) but every part of her was sure this was the closest she was going to get to it.

They left a lot of things unspoken, because there was a mutual understanding between them that didn’t require much verbal communication (for the most part, at least). 

For Madeline, that was a relief of the highest caliber. Nearly twenty years hopping in and out of marriages and she had always felt so fucking alone. She was constantly struggling to justify herself to others, be it Ed or Nathan or her daughters or anyone else for that matter.

Things were shockingly so much easier with Renata. When Madeline wanted to be left alone, Renata let her be. When she needed validation, Renata gave that to her. They gave what they got from each other, their relationship an IOU stretching on for eternity. They repaid one another in their shared currency of kisses and orgasms and bottles of wine. Their bodies and houses and lives flowed together seamlessly, to a point where neither woman couldn’t determine where one ended and the other began. Together they were whole.

Sometimes it felt too good to be true; Madeline had learnt to expect all good things to eventually disappear. This couldn’t possibly be sustainable, this happiness blossoming in her chest and threatening to burn a hole through her. Renata would get tired of her. Renata would leave her someday. This bliss she was experiencing right now came with a price, a dark, omnipresent fear that wouldn’t leave Madeline alone.

“Hey, Renata?”

Renata ran a hand through her hair, still rummaging through the bedside table in search of something. “Yeah?”

“I love you.” The words were clumsy and unfamiliar on her tongue. Madeline always said ‘love you’ in lieu of a goodbye, but that first extra syllable made the sentiment carry so much more weight. It was like enhancing the resolution of an image, the once blurry mountain peaks and landscape coming into focus. Madeline hoped she’d get another chance to tell Renata that-- she hadn’t said it right and wanted to try again. She wanted it to be perfect.

“I love you too.” Renata sounded cautious, but her answer was sincere as far as Madeline could tell. After all, what the hell did either of them know about love? Loving someone wasn’t too hard, but it was a whole other thing to be loved by someone else. There was the lingering insecurity that maybe neither of them were worthy of love, that suffering in solitude was preferable, that they were a waste of time and holding the other back from better things. 

“Okay,” Renata said, breaking the silence before it became unbearable. “I’m getting up now. You want me to make you some coffee?”

“Yes, that would be great.” Madeline knew she sounded a bit frazzled, but that’s because she was. “Can you make mine a double shot? I’m still so tired from last night.”

“Me too.” Renata paused. “Have you seen my glasses? I don’t remember where I left them...”

Madeline reached over to her own side of the bed, plucking Renata’s tortoiseshell frames from the table. With the utmost care, she handed them to Renata, who was cursing under her breath, still in search of her glasses.

“Oh, thanks.”

“Not so annoying now, hm?”

“Ugh, forget I said anything.” Renata waved a hand at her dismissively before heading into the hall.

After Madeline made herself look somewhat human again, she stumbled down the stairs and was greeted by the sight of an empty house— which took her aback despite it wasn’t new. Renata was in the middle of moving out (though it was more like she was forced out). How Renata put up with Gordon’s bullshit for so long was completely beyond Madeline. Though were Madeline in her shoes, she probably wouldn’t have done anything differently.

“Hey.” Renata stood at the kitchen island, stretching her slender arms onto the table like a cat. “We’re all out of milk, so the coffee’s really strong.”

Madeline liked that Renata thought of it as ‘their milk.’ It was a silly thing to get excited about but Madeline had come to appreciate the smaller pleasures in life. “That’s okay.” She sat at one of the acrylic stools and Renata followed suit. 

Within the blink of an eye, they were talking a million words a minute. Revved up on caffeine and still trying to dispel any remaining awkwardness from earlier, they bulldozed through a variety of topics, errands, and events. With Renata, everything was an unspoken challenge, including conversation. Though they’d long ago put their differences aside surrounding the whole first grade controversy, a little friendly competition was always fun.

When it was quiet in the kitchen again, the only sound that could be heard were water droplets from the faucet tapping the bottom of the sink. One would surmise that the vastness of Renata’s house would make anyone feel unwelcome, but it was rather the opposite. Madeline had come to think of it as a second home, though she wouldn’t miss it too terribly. Well, maybe a little bit, especially that walk-in shower. But Renata was her first home and would invite her to the new apartment she’d rented— and that’s all that really mattered.


End file.
